As I mentioned earlier, we find ourselves in extremely harrowing times, and it’s often a nightmarish ordeal just parsing our news feeds in search of something hopeful. But all horror fans know that a certain kind of refuge and safety valve can be found in… well, other kinds of news. Let’s just say that we’ve had some success scoping out stories which might be scary as well, but in a more… benign sort of way. I’m not dismissing the possibility that malicious clowns, devil-worshipping scientists or horny laser-toting pig-people aren’t due cause for concern… but at least horror fans like you and I can sort of wrap our heads around these concepts… usually?
With that in mind, here’s a recap of the week’s weirdness!
“Wrinkles” the Clown is Back… and Now He’s Terrorizing Pokémon Hunters
Remember Wrinkles? [No? Catch up on his horrific antics here.] Florida’s creepiest clown (just writing that phrase alone makes me shudder) is not only still at work, but he’s found a new target for his nightmare-inducing pranks: unsuspecting Pokémon GO players.
According to GameRant, there have been multiple Wrinkles sightings from unsettled players of the insanely popular monster-hunting game… some of whom fear they’re the ones being hunted.
As far as we can tell, there have been no incidents reported to police, and as we previously covered, Wrinkles seems relatively harmless… but just remember, there are still risks out there awaiting Pokémon junkies [as we’ve mentioned this rather controversial article].
Did Scientists at the CERN Facility Just Offer Up a Human Sacrifice?
Let me just get right to the point and state that the answer to that question is very likely “Hell no” (no pun intended). Researchers at CERN — noted European nuclear physics facility and home of the headline-making Large Hadron Collider — may be doing very advanced and groundbreaking research, but as far as we know they’re not sacrificing virgins to the Elder Gods in order to achieve their goals.
Assuming that’s true… what the hell is this video, exactly?
The clip, which seems to depict a group of hooded occultists conducting the ritual sacrifice of a female victim beneath a statue of the goddess Shiva, is being passed off as an elaborate prank, but the location shown in the video — including the statue — is indeed part of the famous research facility, and allegedly involved the participation of staff members with high-security clearance. According to The Guardian, the uproar was enough to provoke an official response from a CERN spokesperson, who revealed that an internal investigation is underway.
“CERN welcomes every year thousands of scientific users from all over the world and sometimes some of them let their humour go too far,” the spokesperson stated in an email to a French news agency. “This is what happened on this occasion.”
UK Man Convicted of Child Abuse for Screening NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
This baffling tale, brought to light by the Mirror last Friday, has managed to provoke intense debate around the world — particularly among horror movie fans.
The story began in the early ‘90s, when Peter Bayliss was babysitting for an unnamed six-year-old girl in the town of Malvern, Worcestershire. For reasons not stated in the article, he punished the girl’s misbehavior by forcing her to watch George Romero’s horror classic NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.
Now, over two decades later, the 53-year-old Bayliss is receiving his own punishment: following trial in Shrewsbury Crown Court, he was found guilty of “child cruelty” for traumatizing the little girl — whom the judge states “suffered nightmares for some time afterwards.” Bayliss was issued a suspended sentence and ordered to complete 160 hours of community service.
Comments from horror fans are mostly critical of the sentence, claiming that a scary movie doesn’t constitute “abuse” — though details of the case reveal a severe lack of judgment on the part of Bayless, who struggled for decades with alcohol addiction.
Nicaraguan Woman Allegedly Possessed by Demon During TV News Interview
A Canal 10 news crew in Tipitapa, Nicaragua documented the apparent exorcism of a 43-year-old woman named “Herminia,” who claimed to have been “tormented by evil spirits” for three months, and has her neighbors terrified.
The creepy footage — which has started making the rounds after being uploaded to YouTube — shows the woman behaving strangely and lashing out violently at anyone who approaches her, after which pair of local priests attempt to drive the malevolent forces from her body. Those attempts appear to fail, however, as the woman later falls to the floor in convulsions.
Canal 10 reporters also hinted that some residents in the town of San Jorge were rumored to be dabbling in black magic… but it’s not certain if there’s a connection between this incident and last week’s report of a teenager found wandering the streets of nearby La Chiriza with occult symbols carved into her arms and hands.
Nightmarish stuff, surely. But without a doubt, this week’s most bizarre news story — and a strong contender for “Most Awesome Headline of the Year” — is:
Swedish Couple in Pig Masks Attack Pokémon GO Players With Laser, Hump Each Other, Then Disappear
I’m not really sure what I can write here that isn’t already covered in that headline, but I’ll fill in the details as best I can.
According to Sweden’s English-language news agency The Local, two teenagers were going about typical teenage business, hunting Pokémon in the tiny village of Insjön, when they came across two very… uh, unique creatures.
According to the teens’ horrified mother, they were ambushed by a man and woman wearing rubber pig masks and t-shirts labeled KING and QUEEN, “screaming and waving a green laser,” which they were reportedly firing into the kids’ eyes.
The couple was later sighted having sex on a waterwheel — much to the surprise of motorists who were driving by. According to police, the spectacle caused a sizable traffic jam.
As of this writing, the King and Queen remain at large.