While many people are on constant alert when it comes to natural disasters, I worry that most of us are completely unprepared for unnatural disasters. You know… like THE BLOB invading your town. With that in mind, I feel it’s my civic duty to help all my fellow men and women out there with some useful tips on how to avoid being blitzed by THE BLOB.
TIP #1: IF YOU FIND A METEORITE, DON’T TOUCH IT!
You’d think after seeing what happened to Jordy Verrill in CREEPSHOW, people would know better than to mess around with meteors by now. Well, I guess the elderly transient in THE BLOB never saw that flick — because he goes poking at it with a stick. And they say wisdom comes with age? Pfft.
Soon enough, it’s eating away at his hand, dissolving the flesh right off his bones. Even chopping away at his arm with a hatchet doesn’t do the trick. Unfortunately, by the time he’s taken to the hospital and a doctor is ready to examine him, half of his body has melted away. So before you think about poking at a blob as if it’s a helpless jellyfish stranded on a beach, I implore you to think again.
TIP #2: ONLY USE CELL PHONES TO MAKE CALLS!
While modern society has taken care of this problem, there are still some people out there who are using land lines to make their phone calls at home or from a phone booth. If you’ve seen THE BLOB, you should know by now that phones are basically bait traps set by blobs for unsuspecting victims. People on land lines and in phone booths die horrible deaths in this film.
First, Paul Taylor is in a hospital trying to make a phone call for help when ol’ blobby drops down from the ceiling on him like a blanket from hell. Later on, Fran Hewitt flees from her diner to call the police for help from a nearby phone booth. Soon enough, the entire booth is engulfed by THE BLOB, and Fran can only look on in horror as its partially dissolved victims are pressed up against the windows before it eventually caves in on her. Sure, cell phones may give you cancer, but at least you won’t end up as a blob’s meal.
TIP #3: DON’T DATE RAPE!
This one should already be common sense for anybody reading this, but if you’re the kind of asshole who tries to have your way with somebody who is completely inebriated, prepare to pay the ultimate price.
Take Scott Jeske, for example. He’s a smooth-talking teen with what’s essentially a date rape kit in the trunk of his car. While he’s back there fixing a drink for his date, THE BLOB slides into the passenger seat and finds its way inside his date. When Scott returns, he finds her unconscious and proceeds to unbutton her blouse. Bad idea! As soon as Scott reaches in to cop a feel, Sir Blobington bursts out of her face and immediately latches onto him. It begins to have its way with Scott, and he’s helpless to do anything about his entire body being dissolved. Good riddance.
TIP #4: CALL A PLUMBER!
Many of us like to think we can fix a clogged drain, but honestly, it’s best to leave that job to the professionals. I mean, look at what happened to George in THE BLOB, for chrissakes.
George worked as a cook in the local diner, but when the sink drain gets clogged, he decides to be all macho and try to unclog it himself rather than call a plumber. Even more brilliant, he figures the best way to unclog the sink drain in the restaurant kitchen is to stick his hand into it. Incorrect. THE BLOB bursts out of the sink and pulls him down the drain, face-first. Do you see why this is bad? Not only is George dead, but now his entire body has made the clog in those pipes even worse.
As an addendum, I suppose I should mention that you shouldn’t become a plumber. Not even Super Mario could handle THE BLOB.
TIP #5: CALL AN A.C. REPAIRMAN!
Much like Tip #4, you really shouldn’t try to fix your air conditioning unit when it’s on the fritz. In THE BLOB, the fella working the projection booth has the A.C. go out on him, so he and a co-worker inspect the situation. One of them actually tries to crawl up into the air conditioning duct like some kind of half-assed John McClane in DIE HARD. Problem is, when he finds THE BLOB waiting up there for him, he doesn’t die hard. He dies easily, slowly, and painfully.
So again, don’t try to repair your A.C. unit. In fact, don’t repair anything. Just move if a problem ever occurs in your home or place of employment. It’s the only way to ensure your safety from a blob attack.
TIP #6: DON’T TALK IN A THEATER WHILE THE MOVIE IS PLAYING!
Everybody knows that they shouldn’t talk in the theater during a movie, but the warning videos before the movie begins to play often don’t have the desired effect. Well, perhaps rather than politely asking people not to talk during a movie, theaters should warn them that THE BLOB will attack anyone who dares to speak.
Even when it’s a movie like “Garden Tool Massacre” (which I sincerely wish was a real thing), where you’re not expecting the most brilliant dialogue, you should exercise some self-restraint and keep your big yapper shut. But hey, if you wanna blab away in a theater as if it’s your personal living room, go right ahead… just don’t be surprised if you find yourself being consumed by a blob for doing so.
TIP #7: DON’T INVEST IN HAZMAT SUITS!
I know a hazmat suit sounds like a great idea, in theory, when dealing with toxic materials, but THE BLOB isn’t your average pile o’ toxic slop. No, this mutant mass is an eating machine, and it doesn’t matter what kind of protective gear you wear, because it will find a way to eat you.
In the movie, Dr. Christopher Meddows clearly thinks he’s safe as long as he wears that hazmat suit. Instead, all the suit does is contain the blob as it fills up within his helmet and kills him.
TIP #8: FIND A SNOW-MAKER TRUCK… OR JUST LIVE IN ANTARCTICA!
Look, if you have enough spare cash to buy a snow-maker truck that you can explode when THE BLOB is near to disable it, then by all means go for it. Otherwise, your best bet is to move to an extremely cold climate like Antarctica, because it’s the last place any blob will come looking for you. Sure, you’ll have to deal with the harsh cold, and learn to befriend penguins… but hey, it’s certainly a better alternative than being served up for dinner to the blob.
All right, now you should possess all the knowledge necessary to fend off a blob attack. Then again, that’s just one of the many monsters in the world looking to destroy you, so it looks like I’m gonna have to create some more of these guides, huh?
Hope you can survive ’til then!